10 People (Or So) Who Won’t Win The U.S. Open

It’s that time of year again.  With the U.S. Open next week at Bethpage Black…can’t wait… with all due respect to the great and near-great golf scribes in the world, here is B.I.G.s version of 10 (Or So) People Who Won’t Win the Open:

1.  Blair “Wee Man” Leburn- although he has the prodigious length necessary to hit the par fours in two, his other nickname of “nice drive” should be explanation enough on why he would struggle in this most revered championship…plus he’s a fuzzy foreigner

2.  Ed “let’s all paint our faces camo and get a cocktail” Butler-  stopped at security for his Glock 9 to which he replied “What’s your problem?  Never seen a handgun in a shoebag before?”

3.  Michael “Did I tell you how good I hit the ball yesterday?” Scott- always played great the day before which is problematic in a 72-hole event

4.  Ed “where is it, where is it, I can’t see that far” Hardee- just had his bad eye rebuilt which is a shame for those of us who love to tell him his shot went in the water when it’s really pin high 10 feet

 5. “Touchdown”  Tom Bair- all set to head to qualifying but stopped by police for the combination of a strong odor from the bag of Whattaburgers in his travel bag  and the silver golf shoes he was wearing to the airport

6.   Tom “Lanky” Pashley- qualified for several USGA events but will only play those held at Pinehurst #2.  Just doesn’t understand why they don’t just move the Masters to The Deuce

7. Matt “Matty G” Ginella-  too busy working on The Matty G Project- tracking down (stalking) the prettiest cart girls in golf and blogging about it.

8. Patrice Hardee- got the short game but not tall enough to see over the back tees at The Black

9. Mike “The Old Pro” Harmon- liberal Yankee press don’t take kindly to his rants on how if global warming was true how come the greens don’t come back ’til May and he can’t cut that 1-iron like he used to?

10.    Laura ” waive the bleed and you’re over” Sequenzia- backed out of special exemption when told nearest decent Tapas bar over an hour away

11.  John “what’s our tee time tomorow?” Rusher- has completed the Grand Slam numerous times.  Author of the bestseller “How to Attend All Four Majors and The Ryder Cup on $5 a Day.”

12. Jim “Tiger” Woodring- in a spring cleaning frenzy got rid of all but 22 pairs of his golf shoes…not sure that would last the week

13. Marion “The Governor” Moore- a true contender but Open is same weekend as Carolina Dixie 4-ball Senior Team Championship…playing in Walterboro this year, Thatababy!!!

14.  John “another seabreeze if you pleeze” Corder- finds the 6-hour round a little too quick for his taste…just kiddin’ Boogalee.

So, there you have it.  Everybody wants to tell you who will win the Open but only Best In Golf tackles the tough issues.  Cheers and see you on the couch.