This was my advice to my two boys after the Cubbies lost game 1 of the Divisional Series. 

“Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life son.”

Two division titles and swept two years in a row is no way to go through life either son.  Just to add a little salt to the wound both years were to western teams (Arizona last year) so we got to watch all of about 6 innings before bedtime…total.

There’s no cure for me.  I spent too many Tuesday afternoons in Wrigley Field drinking Old Style and eating brats at Murphy’s to jump the ship now.  But you my boys, you’re young, there’s still time.

I’m having Tampa Bay tee shirts overnighted…you’ll thank me some day I promise.

Do yourself a favor and read John Hawkin’s account of The Ryder Cup in this weeks Golf World.  I know I’m biased but this guy could give the rest of the field three a side and none would see the 16th tee.

“And would you like the key to the mini-bar Mr. Hall?”  Yes, of course, and thank you.

Ever wonder why a Heineken is $5.50 and a bag of almonds is $3.00 in your favorite golf hotel’s mini-bar?  It’s because of this Tip From a Roadman.

First, it really only works with cans of beer or mini bottles of vodka so I admit it has its limitations.  But if you can get by with a can of Bud or a Kettle One rocks without the M&Ms this tips’s for you.

Fill the vodka bottle with water and replace it on the door.  Make sure to twist on the top real tight.  As for your beer strategy,  place the empty as far back in the bar as possible…it will take the resort at least a day to figure out your caper and by that time you’ll be safely back home in time for church.

So let the losers who fess up to their purchases carry the burden of the mini-bar…they deserve it.  This isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever done on the road by the way…but it does make Honorable Mention.

Last night the forecast was dour…Tropical Storm Hannah was headed at us and may have become Hurricane Hannah when she arrived.  The generator gassed up, bottled water, and batteries at the ready.

My beautiful wife Audrey was headed out for a last minute grocery store run in the wind and the rain.  We needed a few staples such as milk, eggs, and vodka…the latter for dressing wounds of course.

So a few minutes later she came home to proclaim the stores were closing and she was only able to grab a couple things before the lights went out.  That worried me before she told me she was smart enough to go to the liquor store before the grocery store.

Phew, now we were truly prepared…two bottles of vodka and a box of pretzel twists…what a woman!

At left is the reason I’m sitting here Blogging instead of spending two days at Secession…my favorite place to take a divot in the game.  I’d be with great friends, lipping putts, necking 4-irons, and drinking cold martinis on the hot porch.  Instead I’m here.

Tropical storms are the bane of the southern summer…and this one got us…not next time Hannah…you’ll be a 2-club wind and I’ll be playing golf soon enough.

…because June’s next to July, and July’s right before August, and August means Football”—Buck Belue, University of Jawga QB ’78-’81.

Let’s face it, with unfelt apologies to those spending millions on the “Playoffs,”  the golf season is over. 

Yes, The Ryder Cup approaches from the storied links of Vadahalarama Gee Cee and that will be fun for the front nine,  but for all intents and purposes, the 2008 golf year has been posted as sure as that doube-double-double 84 I shot last Friday…all lip-out bogie putts by the way…just vicious.

But that’s the semi-tough bad news.  The good news is football is on us and if you know what Shrimp and Grits are, what you use fatlighter for , and when the collard greens are ready to serve, then you live in the south like me where we watch our football on Saturday…not Sunday.

Thanks to great pal Tony Orfanos for the below.  Tony, who although lives in the frozen north, Chicago edition, would make a fine southerner himself…boy loves his pork.  Thanks T.O.

Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different
than up North. For those who are planning a football trip South, here are
some helpful hints.

Women’s Accessories:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a
fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary – that’s what dates are for.

Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America .

Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning

Game Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus,
make a large financial contribution and put name on a waiting list for
tickets.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they’re going to the game, because
they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don’t want to See the
few hung over students that might actually make it to class.

Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus For game
parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the
weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to
where ESPN is broadcasting ‘Game Day Live’ to get on camera and wave to
the idiots up north who wonder why ‘Game Day Live’ is never Broadcast from
their campus.

Tailgating:

NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to Local radio
station with truck tailgate down.

SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking
accompanied by live performance by ‘Dave Matthews’ Band,’ who come
over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium:

NORTH: You ask ‘Where’s the stadium?’ When you find it, you walk
right in.

SOUTH: When you’re near it, you’ll hear it.  On game day it becomes the
state’s third largest city.

Concessions:

NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.

SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team’s mascot on it,
filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:

NORTH : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand
up.

SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, all sing along with hand over their
heart.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score:

NORTH: Nothing changes.

SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male):

NORTH: ‘Nice play.’

SOUTH: ‘Dammit, you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs.’

Commentary (Female):

NORTH: ‘This is a violent sport.’

SOUTH: ‘Dammit, you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs.’

After the Game:

NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.

SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the
nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week’s game.

• Fishing shows are not as good as they used to be but they’re better than a 2-0 women’s soccer game between Brazil and Korea
• No DQs for not signing a scorecard this week…yet
• The words “Back To School” still give me the willies

I get a little frustrated sometimes, and more than a little worried, that golf is not growing.  In fact the number of serious core golfers is shrinking.  Women are adding to the numbers which is a good thing but overall the game has been stagnant for some time.

How will golf grow when the number of munis and public courses are shrinking, giving way to development mostly due to their desirable locations and financial drains on communities.  Get a couple non-golfers on the city council and it’s bulldozers.

Should the USGA, PGA, and PGA Tour be doing more? Yes.  The USGA should be building more courses or helping the weak survive so that people, mostly young people, have access to decent cheap golf.  The PGA should require its 25,000+ members to actively bring people to the game by offering more free lessons, clinics, and access to their courses and clubs.

Country club club committees, golf course owners, and city governments should offer programs where it’s about as expensive to play golf as it is to go to a movie…it’s the only way.

But on to the subject of the post…The First Tee Program.

First Tee is not a game growing pursuit in my humble opinion but rather a way to teach life lessons to underpriveledged kids using golf as a tool.  And what’s wrong with that?  Not a thing. 

Yesterday I volunteerd for a couple hours at our local chapter.  Twenty or so 7-9 year olds from the inner-city came and started right in yelling at me to go faster in the cart we were riding out ot the range…they didn’t want to be second…when I sped up they squealed.

Then the director gave them a few moments of instruction on setting goals in school and in life and how golf had goals too…mine’s usually holding the three wacks down to five or less.

It was cool to see these kids act out and have so much fun…and maybe one or two will actually play golf, which would be a huge bonus.  We need to give them cheap or better yet free places to play though but unfortunately we’re headed in the wrong direction.

Go here and send them 10 bucks…it means a lot…I’ll do it with you.

Were all those who predicted the end of the golf season with Tiger’s 9-month rain delay right?  Yesterday would seem so.  I wish I had David Feherty’s wit.  He was dead on when he said “I’m not sure if this is the World Championship or the Club Championship”Hah!

Veej smashes it 350 down the middle of a 25 yard wide fairway, gouges a wedge out of a 2-inch deep divot to 4 feet, then proceeds to miss the hole…by a lot.  Wow that’s sick.  The greens were fast and the rough was up at Firestone but just wait until they roll into Detroit today.

Oakland Hills is where pars go to die.  +10 wins.